I want to be far far away from here.
I want my own space, that contains only my own things. I want to be the only person responsible for my own happiness. I want my boyfriend to spend less than 2 hours a day playing video games. Or maybe I just don’t want him to do it every day.
Maybe I don’t want him to be my boyfriend anymore.
I don’t want to be alone, either, though…
I don’t know how to escape, though. I have no idea. What’s the first step? Is the first step moving out? Is it stopping saying ‘I love you’? Or is it something else entirely.
I’m so, incredibly sad. Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe it’s not even him.
I always want to get takeaway, because I don’t want to have to deal with a dirty kitchen.
My work shirts are almost never ironed because I hate doing laundry and I’m the only one who ever does it. So, it gets done at the last minute and I use the dryer and I deem them ‘good enough’.
The sheets on my bed have been dirty for weeks. How could he not notice? Or notice HIS OWN dirty dishes piling up on the bench.
I feel so weak and insignificant. Sometimes I try to be strong and I think, ‘I can fix all of these things by myself’ but then I get lonely and sad and I go back to my bed, with the dirty sheets and the doona with no cover and I crawl in and try to find something to distract myself from all the words and noises coming from the computer beside me.
I hate it. I hate the world and j wish to not exist anymore- to just disappear as if I never was.
But I don’t.
I don’t know anything that makes me happy at the moment. I can’t name you one thing. There are activities that I prefer, but they don’t make me happy. One day my favourite song will make me smile, and the next it will make me cry. It doesn’t make sense.
Nothing makes sense.
I’m just lost.